Epic Touhou spinoff 2
by Dr. Magnus Feirenbacher
Summary: yea, another spinoff. Magnus decided to document his life's events starting with his days living in WW2 Germany. WARNING: Contains dark morbid humor, and Magnus' bad english. This contains quite a few elements from varying genres.


**Epic Touhou Spinoff 2**

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><p><strong>Chapter 1: Intro<strong>

**[AN]: Sup guys? I done went and broke my leg! Snapped my femur in half! So… I'm in the hospital, and I'm bored as shit. So… Fanfic write time! Wish me luck! Damn ski lodge… Also, this is going to be my first multi-chapter spinoff, sooooo… don't expect the chapters to be as long as they usually are in _An Epic Failure of the Touhou Project_. This chapter of the spinoff also serves as sort of an introductory chapter, so it's mostly author's notes, and exposition or whatever you want to call it. In other words, not much happens in this first chapter story-wise. BTW, the next chapter of _An Epic Failure of the Touhou Project_ will be longer than normal, so consider this first chapter a filler for the time it will take to write the longer version of chapter 18 in _An Epic Failure of the Touhou Project_.**

**…**

**MAN! I love that name. If I ever make a sequel, - and if I ever end the first one- I'll call it:**

**Ahem!**

***Dramatic pause***

**An Epic Win of the Touhou Project!**

**Ah, but look at me now, I'm just rambling. It's ok, because these will be one of the few author's notes that will actually be written by me. The rest will all be written by Dr. Magnus, and will exist for the sole purpose of being hilarious. I know I already did this in chapter 17 of _An Epic Failure of the Touhou Project_, but I think that it deserves sum moar attention. So… Presenting an extended description of Dr. Magnus!:**

***Trumpet plays***

**Character profile: Dr. Magnus (complete description)**

** Dr. Magnus is a crazy German chemist who lives in a Bolivian mountain range. His personality ranges from neutral; to downright evil and sadistic. Most of the evil actions are performed by his self-concious left hand, which he has named Franz in a tribute to his last lab partner, who he developed a friendship with. They both share the same sensory input, but Franz has an additional camera mounted on the metal portion of it's wrist. Magnus' actual hand is still fleshy and alive, but from his wrist to his shoulder, he only has exposed bone, which is held together by metal brackets, and powered by… I don't know, but it involves chemicals, magic, and silver.** **He wears a pin-stripe suit under his white lab coat, and the inside pockets of his coat are lined with test tubes. The test tubes contain several deadly chemicals which vary from acids that melt people's skin, to explosive, volatile chemicals that blow up the instant the test tube breaks. He can use these for fending off the occasional revenge seeking test subjects, or combat for when he gets to Gensokyo. (Whoops! Spoiler!)**

** His castle towers to over a small town at the foot of the mountian it rests on, and is about 10 stories tall, although two towers that rise from the front corners of the castle exceed this height. It is made with a dark grey** **colored brick that gives the castle a very gothic look. A large window (NO STAIN GLASS!) sits in between the base of the two towers, and reaches from the third story, to the eigth story. On the right tower, is a huge, over-decorated clock face, and in the left tower is where his observatory can extend out of. There is a huge garage door on the back of the castle, which is at basement level, where he keeps all of his many cars. Off the edge of the garage, it is about a 300 foot drop off the cliff that the castle over-hangs, but this isn't a problem for Magnus; all his cars (except for one) can fly. One more thing about the castle, is that there is no electricity running to it. There are very few electrical devices inside, and it is lit completely by chemical-fuled torches. Instead of electricity, the entire castle is powered by a huge wagon spring clockwork mechanism in the lowest levels of the basement. It must be wound by a powerful combustion engine every month. Any device that does feed off electricity in the castle is powered by a larger version of the oscillating silver reactor that sits on top of Magnus' cane.**

** The last notable features about Dr. Magnus that are worth knowing, are that he is biologically immortal - I got this idea from bluewolf963's Touhou fic: _From the Sky and Beyond_ - , he is a narcissist, and that even though he is biologically immortal, he still requires an 'elixir of life' so to speak. To sustain himself, he must take deadly poisons and substances which have a completely opposite affect than most people would expect. These poisons give him life instead of taking it away. In a way, they are like medications for Magnus.**

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><p><strong>(Warning! This entire spinoff will be written from Dr. Magnus' POV from here on out. Also, any dialogue that is in bold was edited by Dr. Magnus himself, and is pure fiction.)<strong>

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><p><strong>Mine Backstory!<strong>

So… I guess I should be writing zis backstory, eh? Vell, It all started like zis:

…

…

Oh! Vait! Am I supposed to be writing words in here? I thought zis thing vould just- oh whatever!

Vell, my life vasn't very interesting until I discovered my love for ze chemistry. I had found out I loved to perform zese experiments somevhere in my late 40s, but My life never really took off until zat one fateful day.

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><p><strong>German chemistry lab, second floor, 1938 around beginning of WW2<strong>

**Magnus POV**

"Dr. **Magnus**! What are you doing?" My lab assistant, Franz screamed. I was in the middle of mixing very dangerous chemicals together. "Are you trying to kill us all **Mine supreme lord of all existence?**"

I clicked my tounge, and looked back at my panicked lab assistant. "Mine boy! You vill never learn anything unless you are villing to take ze risks!" I shouted back at him. I was standing- no! Hunched over a lab table with my hands full of chemicals. In my right hand, I had several beakers of liquified mustard gas, and in my left, I had test tubes filled with PCB oils.

"Why are we screaming at each other!" Franz yelled back.

I sweatdropped as I poured the liquids into one large flask. The situation was very tense, and one wrong move could mean the death of us all. "Because! All ze screaming and yelling makes zis even more epic!" I yelled back at him.

My Franz rolled his eyes, and left the room. "Fine, I'll leave you to your **awesome** work." He said with a sigh.

I stared at the spot he used to occupy, then shrugged. "Fine! If he does not vant in on ze best project of my life, zen he does not 'ave to be part of it!" I yelled to the ceiling. My voice echoed across the now-empty room; the only things occupying the space were pieces of lab equipment, and several flasks of chemicals. _"I am so awesome!" _I thought to myself.

I held up the product of my work, and smiled at myself. "Yes! If my calculations are correct, zen zis new, modified mustard gas should be 10 times more deadlier zen ze old mustard gas!" I declared to myself in triumph. I held the glass above my head, and nodded once again in triumph. "It iz good!" I exclaimed while corking the flask.

I perched my completed work on a shelf where I stored the rest of my ingenious creations, and slowly made my way to the stairs that led to the first level. I turned around to look at the laboratory one more time before I put out the lights, and muttered to myself. "It iz good…" before killing the flames that lit the room and slowly walking down the stairs.

When I got to the bottom of the creaking stairs, I found Francis waiting for me. "Well **Magnus,** It's good to see you didn't blow yourself up." He stated with a smirk.

I straightened my coat, and shot a glare at Francis while straightening my coat. "Vere you expecting me to?" I said while raising an eyebrow. "Vhy vould you ever be questioning mine brilliance?"

My laboratory assistant shifted his full weight off the table he was leaning on, and onto his feet. He took a deep breath while a small smirk covered his face. "Well **Dr. Magnus**, I am not questioning your brilliance, I am simply pointing out that your 'Brilliance' mixed with your **Awesomeness** will eventually be the death of us all." Franz stated in a joking tone.

I rolled my eyes, and walked past Franz. Light flared against my glasses as I stopped right next to him. "Zat very vell may be true. But for now, I must be off to another location. I 'ave another person I must meet at another location."

After explaining what I was doing, I continued past Franz who said "Take care **Magnus**!" While walking in the opposite direction I was going; back to the upper level of the building.

I stepped out the door, and sighed to myself. As I closed the front door, I muttered under my breath. "Take care as vell Franz…" Once the door was closed, I glanced around at my surroundings. Many Nazi propaganda posters plastered the walls surrounding me, and sunlight just barely penetrated the dark alley that my lab's door was located in. "Vell, I better not be keeping her vaiting…" I muttered to myself, and trudged down the alleyway to meet the woman I had been forced into working with.

**End of prologue.**

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><p><strong>[AN]: Vell? Vhat do you think? I think it iz, how you say, awesome. See you all next time!<strong>


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